tracing my dreams; who would i be if i'm not here?

lately banyak betul benda bermain dalam fikiran. selalu terfikir macam-macam especially sebelum tidur and time mandi. ada ja yang berputar dalam minda. semuanya pasal hidup. 

i just took a shower and sepanjang tengah shower tu asyik terfikir apa yang jadi if my life tidak sehancur ini. what if i have a healthy mind? yang nda overthinking, anxious all the time? what if aku nda hilang diri during diploma? what if diri aku nda hancur and hilang arah lepas habis spm? what if aku masih berpegang to my passion and dreams? 

thinking about all of those makes me think... mesti sekarang i can be the best version of myself kan? i would not be this lost, i would not be this broken, i would not be this pitiful. i would still be chasing my dreams, get scholarships, ace my exams, be the best student and travel the world while pursuing my study. i would be more fluent in english and other foreign languages, i would be confident, i would join debate competition and have excellent communication skills. i would be the person i've been wanting to be all my life.. bukan macam diri yang sekarang.

kenapa jalan hidup aku perlu macam ni? salahkah kalau mempersoal takdir sendiri? tapi what if hidup aku macam ni disebabkan diri aku sendiri? if i did good during my diploma, mungkin i can further my studies overseas. i would not just be here watching people chasing after their dreams. i don't have anything to chase after now. kosong. semua terkubur.

of course la bukan 100% harapan untuk berjaya tu terkubur begitu ja, but some things memang nda boleh dicapai sudah because it's too late. i'm already in my 2nd year of my degree. it's impossible for me to study overseas. and i'm still struggling to score my exams. i'm struggling to remember what i've studied. i can't even understand most of the classes. it' wrong to say this but, sekarang aku memang bodoh. 

i wasted my potentials and opportunities. i started to blame myself again for being too introverted, too scared, too timid and too stupid!!! i would have been out there, maybe somewhere in Europe studying meds or perhaps participating in international math olympiad or anything that makes me sound and look smart!! bukannya duduk di sini writing about my pathetic life that just sounds pitiful and mengada-ngada. i hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!

almost in my 3rd year of degree...

i'm almost in my 3rd year of degree but i haven't found myself yet. i still don't know what i want to be and what i really want to achieve in this life. sejujurnya, aku bagaikan tersepit dalam dua dunia. some days, i want to just wake up and do the most of my life, ignoring the voices in my head and just do everything i could to find my potentials. on the other hand, i just want to lay down in my bed and cry all day, just watching people live their life through my cellphone. 

kenapa boleh tersepit pula? keluar ja la and go on adventures, what's so hard about it? kan? i thought the same to be honest. tapi aku ni jenis kuat overthinking, self-doubt tinggi menggunung, anxious dengan diri sendiri and pandangan orang lain, etc. these thoughts are killing me. bukan nda mau, but i just can't push myself to do so. aku akan terfikir, "aku mau buat, but what if i cant? what if orang lain lebih sesuai?" sebab aku ni cuai, senang stress and i can't handle pressure that well. but still, i do want to try but i'm afraid of the consequences. nanti orang akan cakap aku ni irresponsible, not professional, not suitable, terlalu pendiam, cuai, etc.

tapi orang cakap, kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi? for me, benda ni betul but not all the time. for some matters, benda tu kena pupuk dari kecil. confidence. i lack this element. i've been insecure since i was young. people often told me that i can't do it. i was too young to understand what they really meant, so i just believed them. aku menurut apa yang orang cakap. they said that i can't. i was like, "oh kalau macam tu, okay." aku pasrah sepenuhnya dan percaya sebab yang cakap tu orang dewasa. i've been the youngest all my life, so aku memang percaya orang yang lagi tua dari aku. dulu aku selalu anggap apa yang dorang cakap tu semua betul. i was so stupid. pada akhirnya, kata-kata tu memakan diri aku sendiri. i took it by heart. because of them, sampai sekarang aku insecure and tiada keyakinan diri. i cannot stand by myself, i cannot stand for myself. i let the word say things about me and i'll just accept them sampai satu tahap, those words start to kill myself. 

so, basically i'm dead. dead inside. no spark, no passion, no ambition. i'm totally broken and lost. aku sekarang tengah merangkak mencari di mana layaknya diri ni diletakkan dalam dunia ni, di mana selayaknya aku berada, di mana diri aku yang sebenar, di mana potensi diri aku, di mana minat aku... the list goes on. this cycle will never end. hari-hari aku berperang dengan diri sendiri, fikiran sendiri dan kata hati sendiri.

i've been living this life like this. tanpa memenuhi cit-cita sendiri, i just follow the flow. sampai bila entah mau follow the flow. i know it's wrong to compare yourself to others tapi aku betul-betul stuck sendiri di sini. orang lain sedang bergerak sedangkan kaki aku tertanam jauh ke bawah. how do i move? how to i run along with them? nobody's looking back to help me. i have to help myself but it's so hard. kepala ni berat dengan segala hal yang membuatkan fikiranku berisik. orang kata, yang berat itu bahu. tapi dalam hidup aku, yang berat itu isi kepala?

where do i go from here? who do i go to?

runtuh

i'm writing this as i'm listening to feby putri's songs. 

runtuh. it's my favourite song of her. every lyrics are so relatable.

the title describes my situation perfectly. runtuh. betul-betul tengah runtuh, jatuh sekarang. mungkin tidak dibantai secara fizikal tapi yang hancurnya pada emosi dan mental.

banyak persoalan bermain di fikiran tapi yang keluar bukan jawapan. malah, tangisan. mungkin bagi orang lain, masalahku ini remeh. bukannya besar sangat pun. aku mengaku, ya memang masalahku tidak sebesar masalah orang lain. aku masih bersyukur tapi tidak bermakna masalahku terus selesai hanya dengan bersyukur. it's still there. cumanya kita bersyukur untuk muhasabah diri, untuk motivasi diri sendiri.

but what i really want is reassurance and comfort. penat hari-hari menidakkan masalah sendiri. penat bila dengar orang lain pun menidakkan apa yang kita alami. bila kita terus-menerus menolak benda tu, it'll just get worse. we still need to talk it out. 

masalah apa yang buat aku sampai overthinking macam ni? 

feeling lost.

tau rasanya bila kau hilang arah, hilang tujuan hidup? kau rasa tiada maknanya untuk kau teruskan hidup. penat hidup untuk orang lain, so mau hidup untuk siapa? rasa tidak berguna. diri ni kosong, tiada apa-apa. banyak kekurangan. 

"aku lagilah susah, kau tu okay lagi"

"janganlah fikir sangat tu, bukannya apa pun"

"cuba tengok orang lain yang lebih susah di luar sana"

i told you. aku bukan tidak bersyukur, aku bukannya tidak pernah cuba to not think about it. aku sudah cuba semua tu. tapi bila aku cerita, maksudnya aku hanya mau meluah. 

aku mengaku, aku lemah. hari-hari berperang dengan fikiran sendiri ja. aku tetap bersyukur hidup serba-serbi cukup. cukup makan, cukup duit, ada tempat tidur. tapi Allah bagi aku ujian dengan diri sendiri. 

selama ni aku cuba isi kekosongan tu dengan belajar. aku sedar that i'm not good at anything else. sukan? muzik? no. sumpah bodoh. no skills at all. so, cara aku untuk prove that i still have my worth, aku cuba buktikan dari segi akademik walaupun actually i'm not that smart.

aku just ikut apa cikgu suruh, apa yang tertulis dalam buku. tapi realitinya masih kosong. itu semua sekadar menghafal dan mengingat. but it works. people acknowledge me for my good grades. sampai spm, i got to prove that i'm still good at something by getting straight A's.

but it doesn't last that long. not long after that, aku jatuh dan hilang arah.aku mula tertanya, dalam hidup ni apa yang cuba aku capai? aku sambung belajar ni atas hasrat sendiri atau semata-mata atas permintaan keluarga? betulkah aku minat bidang ni atau aku cuma terikut-ikut dengan orang lain?

aku bingung tapi aku paksa diri untuk teruskan. lama-kelamaan, sumpah rosak mental bila cuba paksa otak terima benda yang kita sendiri pun tidak pasti. hari-hari teruskan hidup macam biasa walaupun mula suda merosot, setiap malam nangis, paksa diri masuk kelas, siapkan tugasan dalam keadaan burn out. 

tapi yang orang nampak tetap benda buruk. yang dinampak tu markah yang teruk, selalu tidur lambat, bangun lambat, yang selalu skip kelas, bermalas-malasan. sakitnya Allah ja tau. rasa mau give up hari-hari. 

sampai hari ni masih rasa bingung, lost. tapi aku tetap teruskan sebab takut dipandang lemah oleh orang lain yang diuji lebih hebat. aku takut aku rasa tidak layak untuk berpijak di dunia ni sebab tidak diuji seteruk orang lain. rasa kecil, kerdil dan tersisih. 

kadang-kadang rasa macam dilupakan. Allah uji sebab Allah sayang. sometimes rasa macam diri ni tidak diuji.

same shit, different year

this year hasn't been great. i still feel the same. i feel out of place. my life hasn't feel real. it feels as if i've been floating and when things get bad i just fall down. i tried to get out of my bubble and stepped out of my comfort zone but i feel like it's not for me. 

i've been locking myself in my room these days. i don't want to meet anyone, let alone talking to them. i don't want anyone to bother me. i feel safe here in my room. i'm scared to get out of the house. it gets lonely most of the time but i feel more comfortable this way. 

i don't want to do anything. i don't want to be anything. i don't want to think. i don't want to feel. i just want to keep hiding until everyone forgets me so i can slowly disappear from everyone. i have no desire to achieve anything in this life. so don't tell me to live my life and find a dream for me to chase after. i don't want to make any plan for my future. i don't even think i'll live that long to be planning shits. 

i just want to stay here and breath. just let the day pass by like the wind. that's the least i can do because i can't die yet. i'm alive because i can't die. i'm alive but i'm not living. 

looking back at my life, it's confusing me. i feel like i've been here and there but i'm still stuck at the same place. i feel like i've lived so many different lives but i'm still the same. i feel like i'm not me. i don't feel real at all.

it's been like this for years. i feel dead for the past few years. i feel like i skipped being 18 and 19. suddenly i'm an adult. i'm not but i am. if you ask me what i want to be in the future, i'd say "nothing". i lost the spark and passion for my future since i was 19. forget my future, there ain't gonna be one.

don't you be telling me to do shits. just do your own things and leave me alone. i don't need your opinions. i'd rather suffer alone. i don't want to live my best life. i don't mind living this pathetic life and not doing anything. 

just be grateful that i'm still alive when i should've done 'it' years ago.

;)

apparently i'm still alive

well, hi. u know it's bad when i started writing here. but no worries, as long as i'm still alive everything's fine (trying to be optimistic).

yes, it's getting bad. what is? my life, obviously. my mind is a mess, i don't know where to start. the words in my head are getting mixed up. 

i was just wondering whether i'm real or not because what kind of human would make so many mistakes and put their future in risk? like, have you not learned from the lesson? yes i'm talking about myself.

i might be 20 but i'm still not ready for the world. i'm still not worthy enough. i'm still not good enough. i'm still not mature enough. see, this is how pessimistic i am. i just can't think positive when things get bad. all i want to do is jump off the cliff. i didn't mean it but you know why i said that. 

i feel so lost and i blame myself for it. i keep thinking about the past and how i wished i could've done better especially in my studies. things got bad during the 2nd semester. it got better in the next semester but i am back to the rock bottom again since the 4th semester and now i've finished my diploma lol. 

i could say that i'm not satisfied with my cgpa but i don't have the right to complain since it's my fault. i didn't take the exams seriously. i did my assignments half heartedly, always submitting them in the last minute and sometimes i never get them done. 

i couldn't even score for the easiest subjects hahaha. of course i get nagged at for this. sometimes they're a bit harsh but that's fine. i'm used to it now and all the things they said are true. it's just that i want them to consider my feelings. i'm so burnt out with all these expectations and pressure. can i at least get emotional support? :) (this question is directed to my family lol). but i couldn't bring myself to tell them that i'm tired. they would say i'm just lazy and this and that. so i just keep everything to myself.

sometimes i talk to my friends. yes, i'd rather talk to them because they never judge me and how ironic it is that my family says i spent more time with my friends that i would talk and laugh a lot but i never open my mouth when i'm with them. so funny. like, how do they expect me to talk to them when they take everything i said as a complain? :o i just wanted to let my feelings out. bro, i'm a human too. am i not allowed to feel sad or angry or whatever? that's the reason why i never tell them anything, not even when i need help (i'd wait for them to reach out to me lol). 

it's not like i became so laid back and lazy on purpose. i feel like something is dragging me down and it's really heavy. sometimes i'd ask myself, "why am i doing this?". i used to love studying back in high school but what happened now? i'm still trying to find the answer. this isn't me. i'm supposed to be the top student who is always studying and won't stop until i'm done. i used to be the kind of student who would not take a break until i feel productive enough and the one who won't eat until i get my works done. WHERE DID THIS PERSON GO? WHERE IS SHE? 

maybe she got tired. 

tired of trying to be the best. tired of trying to fulfill people's expectations. tired of being called "the gifted kid". tired of pulling all-nighters just to study. tired of burying myself with all these books. tired of all these assignments. tired of keeping track of being productive. tired of overthinking. tired of pretending that i got my shits together and saying that i'm doing fine when i'm actually not... the list goes on.

i'm never satisfied with my achievements. to be honest, i was never proud of my spm result. i'm not really happy with it. not because i didn't achieve my target. i did, but i was worried that i would 'fall' one day. i might be academically smart (or book smart) but that's useless. i was only good during exams but i'm a misfit out there. 

i won't be able to do things unless it is written in a book. 

"how do i communicate with people?"

"how do i ask for direction?"

"how do i fit in the world?" 

"how do i survive this life?"

i studied so hard, indulging myself with books that i forgot to take a look at the reality. i forgot that i have a purpose to the society, not just to the school. i regret not learning about the world when i was still in school. i feel so useless right now. 

that's why i lock myself in my room. i don't want any social interaction with anyone. i feel safe here. there's no one here to judge me when i'm by myself. but there's no one to give you a hug when i'm sad too.. (well at least no one judges me when i cry :p)

i might rot in my room but who knows, maybe i would finally be brave to step out to the world. i hope so :/ i'm still longing for the day where i finally feel better :) 

"so far away"

hi. it's been a while. i forgot this blog exists. i'm still here, living and breathing as usual :/ tomorrow is the last day of mid term break. i didn't do much. got some assignments done but i still have a lot piling up. 

tbh, i still feel burnt out. it's been a month. i feel better but i'm still stuck. i lack motivation to do anything these days. i lost interest in the things i used to like doing. i daydream 24/7 without me realizing. i procrastinated for the whole month and i ended up having about 10+ missing assignments? um, miss gurl this ain't you hahaha. 

do you know the feeling of not caring about anything in this world? i used to be so productive, i'd always make sure i got my assignments done early but i don't really care about due dates these days. it's happening again. i've been skipping classes. i've just been less active. i sleep, eat and cry a lot lol. 

at night, i'd just stare at the ceiling. it's hard for me to fall asleep bcs of my loud thoughts and i don't really do anything during the day so i'm not really tired physically :/  i'd listen to some rain/sea wave asmr to clear my mind and help me sleep. and when i need comfort, sometimes i'd listen to agust d hahaha. 

"so far away" - agust d, suran. i studied the lyrics a bit (why am i not this enthusiastic for my studies lmao). the lyrics are so relatable and this song immediately bcm my fav :D it makes me think a lot about the things i've done in my life. i'm already 19, what are my achievements, passion and DREAM? well, do i have any to begin with? 

this song comforts me by telling me that i am not the only one who feels lost in this life. the fact that the lyrics are literally about his own story also made me realize that even adults could feel lost. this song slapped me right in the face saying, "bich it's totally okay to feel lost at some point of your life but you can't just give up like that bro." ...kind of.

That’s right, f-, I live because I can’t die
But I don’t have anything I want to do
I’m in so much pain and loneliness but people around me
Keep telling me to regain my consciousness
I try to vent my anger but I only got myself
So what’s the point of venting my anger
I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing

this is literally what i've been feeling for the past idk how many months. when i read these, i was like "YEA, THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN AND HEART HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME." like the frustration when your heart feels something, your brain is thinking about something and that something is hella heavy, it's holding you down to the rock bottom but you can't figure out WHAT IS IT. this song worded my feelings and my thoughts really, really well. everything is just accurate. 

i'm scared of tomorrow. i just don't want to open my eyes. "i don't want to live"- is my first thought every time i wake up. 

I hope everything disappears when I’m alone
I hope things disappear like mirage
I hope things disappear
I hope my damn self disappears

i want to disappear, you want to disappear, everyone wants to disappear. these lyrics tell me that i never really want to die. i just want to be free from this pain, i just want to feel better. i want to disappear but i also want to be found. i don't know how to explain this. 

i feel so useless, i can't help but overthink about everything. my mistakes, my past and my future. my mind won't shut up. being a useless human being is just burdening, i might as well just die. i know i don't mean it but i don't have any other choice to end this. 

Dream, you will fully bloom
After all the hardships
Dream, your beginnings will seem humble
So prosperous will your future be

the best thing about this song is that it also gives you hope. you might feel lost, you've been running towards nothing but an endless route. you might feel hopeless, left without no dream, nothing to look forward to. but these feelings are the proofs that you are alive, breathing and you have a purpose in this life. you don't have to do something big to prove that you are not a failure. small things matter too, as long as it makes you happy.

you might think it's too late to find a hobby/an interest. no, that's what the society says. just go and find anything you want to try, do it. your age doesn't determine when you should stop doing things you like. you can still be a beginner at something at 30. you can still learn to ride a bike at 19. the society is manipulating you into thinking that the more you age, the more you have to be better at a lot of things. who tf started this shit? it just doesn't make sense/

this is cliche but fr, live your life to the fullest. i know i'm not doing the same but let's just try :) to whoever is reading this rn, please.. live. things might happen to me and when i'm gone please live your life on behalf of me too. go out, do things you like/you've been wanting to try doing. i know this dunya is temporary. what i want to tell you is that i don't want you to regret anything. there is the hereafter, the jannah :) we can do a lot more things there! and i hope we can meet there. 

to end this, i just want to say i love you all. i'll always pray and wish the best for you. may Allah give you a peace mind, peace heart and a life full with His blessings. well this is gonna sound cringeyyy and pretty dramatic... but remember, whatever happens to me, i want you to continue living your life like usual. if you want to cry for me, cry happily. take care of yourself, your physical and mental health. all i want is for you to be happy, always <3

2255

 i want to kill myself.

0000

I want to give up. But I can’t. If I give up, that means I am weak. I don’t want people to see me as a failure. But I am tired. Tired of nothing. I just lay on my bed all day, neglecting my responsibility as a student, ignoring my assignments and cry every night. I feel exhausted mentally and emotionally. I lose my passion for the things I used to love doing. It’s hard for me to get out of my bed. Am I stressed or am I just lazy? This is the reason why I don’t want to open up. I am afraid that they will say I am just lazy. I fear their judgements. What should I do now? I have a lot of works to do. But I couldn’t care less. I have a scholarship and I need to score well in every semester. But I don’t have the urge to get up and start working. At the same time, I am worried about my future. I am afraid of what it holds. Maybe I am going to end up being a failure and a disappointment to my family. I don’t want to be disgrace; I’d feel a lot more miserable if that happens but I want to give up. I want to stop this.

People always say that quitting is not an option. Why? Can you please tell me? Why can’t I? I just don’t know if what I am doing now is what I really want in my life. I am confused and lost. Can someone please tell me how the world actually works? Can someone please explain why this world seems to be colorless and lame for me? What is it that we are looking for in this life? Are we going after the same thing? Is it money? Love? Happiness? Or are we just going with the flow because other people are doing the same? Are we running just like the time? What are we chasing after? Does anybody know what they are looking forward to in this world or there are people who also don’t know where to go just like me?

I have so many questions. I think about them every second. It’s tiring to not know the answers after thinking about it every day. I feel helpless.

Tell me, is it wrong to be sad? Is it wrong to avoid everyone? Is it wrong to leave things undone?

Am I wrong?

@10.10 pm / 15.3.2021

my 2021

hey, peeps. welcome back to my secret base lol.

so, three months in for 2021. how are you guys doing? i hope yalls are doing great :) my 2021 started off pretty good but it's starting to go downhill /weee/. 

long story short, i'm failing my classes lmao, especially physics because wtf newton? well, i can't really blame anyone because it's my responsibility to keep my own life together but still, wtf :/ i never skipped classes despite knowing that i'm losing braincells each day, i'm trying my best to catch up with the assignments. but still, i'm sliding down the hill fabulously. 

istg, this semester feels so short. final is coming in may. why are we going so fast?! where are we going to?! bro, i love the subjects i'm studying but everything is being rushed rn. i can't keep up with these shits and i'm not enjoying it anymore. 

but i can't complaint because i literally chose this path lol. it's hard but i know for sure the others have it worst. i gotta keep looking at the bright side. or maybe nah, imma close my eyes and pretend i don't exist hahaha. 

/nervous laughing/ erm, so how do i tell my family.. that i'm literally having a mental breakdown without actually telling them. i guess the best solution is not to open up. it's okay, i still have a lot of space in my bottle. 

aight, i'm starting to not make sense rn. sorry, i have a test in 15 minutes. i just want to let some shits out before letting the new one in. 

i know nobody is gonna read this, but i feel kind of relieved that at least i can let my feelings out this way. 

anyway, stay safe yalls. love you <3

lost

Mom, dad. I tried and I'm still trying.

I cried and I'm still crying. 

I fell and I got back up again.

It's an endless cycle.

Sometimes I question the purpose of my existence.

"What do I really want to achieve in this life?"

"What am I fighting for?"

"Who am I doing this for?"

Mom, dad. I don't know the answers.

I wake up everyday looking for the truth.

But I find nothing.

I keep looking for the answers.

And I lost myself.

How do I stop this?

Where is the way out of this mess?

Please, let me out..

@1.20 pm / 13.3.2021