almost in my 3rd year of degree...

i'm almost in my 3rd year of degree but i haven't found myself yet. i still don't know what i want to be and what i really want to achieve in this life. sejujurnya, aku bagaikan tersepit dalam dua dunia. some days, i want to just wake up and do the most of my life, ignoring the voices in my head and just do everything i could to find my potentials. on the other hand, i just want to lay down in my bed and cry all day, just watching people live their life through my cellphone. 

kenapa boleh tersepit pula? keluar ja la and go on adventures, what's so hard about it? kan? i thought the same to be honest. tapi aku ni jenis kuat overthinking, self-doubt tinggi menggunung, anxious dengan diri sendiri and pandangan orang lain, etc. these thoughts are killing me. bukan nda mau, but i just can't push myself to do so. aku akan terfikir, "aku mau buat, but what if i cant? what if orang lain lebih sesuai?" sebab aku ni cuai, senang stress and i can't handle pressure that well. but still, i do want to try but i'm afraid of the consequences. nanti orang akan cakap aku ni irresponsible, not professional, not suitable, terlalu pendiam, cuai, etc.

tapi orang cakap, kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi? for me, benda ni betul but not all the time. for some matters, benda tu kena pupuk dari kecil. confidence. i lack this element. i've been insecure since i was young. people often told me that i can't do it. i was too young to understand what they really meant, so i just believed them. aku menurut apa yang orang cakap. they said that i can't. i was like, "oh kalau macam tu, okay." aku pasrah sepenuhnya dan percaya sebab yang cakap tu orang dewasa. i've been the youngest all my life, so aku memang percaya orang yang lagi tua dari aku. dulu aku selalu anggap apa yang dorang cakap tu semua betul. i was so stupid. pada akhirnya, kata-kata tu memakan diri aku sendiri. i took it by heart. because of them, sampai sekarang aku insecure and tiada keyakinan diri. i cannot stand by myself, i cannot stand for myself. i let the word say things about me and i'll just accept them sampai satu tahap, those words start to kill myself. 

so, basically i'm dead. dead inside. no spark, no passion, no ambition. i'm totally broken and lost. aku sekarang tengah merangkak mencari di mana layaknya diri ni diletakkan dalam dunia ni, di mana selayaknya aku berada, di mana diri aku yang sebenar, di mana potensi diri aku, di mana minat aku... the list goes on. this cycle will never end. hari-hari aku berperang dengan diri sendiri, fikiran sendiri dan kata hati sendiri.

i've been living this life like this. tanpa memenuhi cit-cita sendiri, i just follow the flow. sampai bila entah mau follow the flow. i know it's wrong to compare yourself to others tapi aku betul-betul stuck sendiri di sini. orang lain sedang bergerak sedangkan kaki aku tertanam jauh ke bawah. how do i move? how to i run along with them? nobody's looking back to help me. i have to help myself but it's so hard. kepala ni berat dengan segala hal yang membuatkan fikiranku berisik. orang kata, yang berat itu bahu. tapi dalam hidup aku, yang berat itu isi kepala?

where do i go from here? who do i go to?