tracing my dreams; who would i be if i'm not here?

lately banyak betul benda bermain dalam fikiran. selalu terfikir macam-macam especially sebelum tidur and time mandi. ada ja yang berputar dalam minda. semuanya pasal hidup. 

i just took a shower and sepanjang tengah shower tu asyik terfikir apa yang jadi if my life tidak sehancur ini. what if i have a healthy mind? yang nda overthinking, anxious all the time? what if aku nda hilang diri during diploma? what if diri aku nda hancur and hilang arah lepas habis spm? what if aku masih berpegang to my passion and dreams? 

thinking about all of those makes me think... mesti sekarang i can be the best version of myself kan? i would not be this lost, i would not be this broken, i would not be this pitiful. i would still be chasing my dreams, get scholarships, ace my exams, be the best student and travel the world while pursuing my study. i would be more fluent in english and other foreign languages, i would be confident, i would join debate competition and have excellent communication skills. i would be the person i've been wanting to be all my life.. bukan macam diri yang sekarang.

kenapa jalan hidup aku perlu macam ni? salahkah kalau mempersoal takdir sendiri? tapi what if hidup aku macam ni disebabkan diri aku sendiri? if i did good during my diploma, mungkin i can further my studies overseas. i would not just be here watching people chasing after their dreams. i don't have anything to chase after now. kosong. semua terkubur.

of course la bukan 100% harapan untuk berjaya tu terkubur begitu ja, but some things memang nda boleh dicapai sudah because it's too late. i'm already in my 2nd year of my degree. it's impossible for me to study overseas. and i'm still struggling to score my exams. i'm struggling to remember what i've studied. i can't even understand most of the classes. it' wrong to say this but, sekarang aku memang bodoh. 

i wasted my potentials and opportunities. i started to blame myself again for being too introverted, too scared, too timid and too stupid!!! i would have been out there, maybe somewhere in Europe studying meds or perhaps participating in international math olympiad or anything that makes me sound and look smart!! bukannya duduk di sini writing about my pathetic life that just sounds pitiful and mengada-ngada. i hate myself!!!!!!!!!!!