apparently i'm still alive

well, hi. u know it's bad when i started writing here. but no worries, as long as i'm still alive everything's fine (trying to be optimistic).

yes, it's getting bad. what is? my life, obviously. my mind is a mess, i don't know where to start. the words in my head are getting mixed up. 

i was just wondering whether i'm real or not because what kind of human would make so many mistakes and put their future in risk? like, have you not learned from the lesson? yes i'm talking about myself.

i might be 20 but i'm still not ready for the world. i'm still not worthy enough. i'm still not good enough. i'm still not mature enough. see, this is how pessimistic i am. i just can't think positive when things get bad. all i want to do is jump off the cliff. i didn't mean it but you know why i said that. 

i feel so lost and i blame myself for it. i keep thinking about the past and how i wished i could've done better especially in my studies. things got bad during the 2nd semester. it got better in the next semester but i am back to the rock bottom again since the 4th semester and now i've finished my diploma lol. 

i could say that i'm not satisfied with my cgpa but i don't have the right to complain since it's my fault. i didn't take the exams seriously. i did my assignments half heartedly, always submitting them in the last minute and sometimes i never get them done. 

i couldn't even score for the easiest subjects hahaha. of course i get nagged at for this. sometimes they're a bit harsh but that's fine. i'm used to it now and all the things they said are true. it's just that i want them to consider my feelings. i'm so burnt out with all these expectations and pressure. can i at least get emotional support? :) (this question is directed to my family lol). but i couldn't bring myself to tell them that i'm tired. they would say i'm just lazy and this and that. so i just keep everything to myself.

sometimes i talk to my friends. yes, i'd rather talk to them because they never judge me and how ironic it is that my family says i spent more time with my friends that i would talk and laugh a lot but i never open my mouth when i'm with them. so funny. like, how do they expect me to talk to them when they take everything i said as a complain? :o i just wanted to let my feelings out. bro, i'm a human too. am i not allowed to feel sad or angry or whatever? that's the reason why i never tell them anything, not even when i need help (i'd wait for them to reach out to me lol). 

it's not like i became so laid back and lazy on purpose. i feel like something is dragging me down and it's really heavy. sometimes i'd ask myself, "why am i doing this?". i used to love studying back in high school but what happened now? i'm still trying to find the answer. this isn't me. i'm supposed to be the top student who is always studying and won't stop until i'm done. i used to be the kind of student who would not take a break until i feel productive enough and the one who won't eat until i get my works done. WHERE DID THIS PERSON GO? WHERE IS SHE? 

maybe she got tired. 

tired of trying to be the best. tired of trying to fulfill people's expectations. tired of being called "the gifted kid". tired of pulling all-nighters just to study. tired of burying myself with all these books. tired of all these assignments. tired of keeping track of being productive. tired of overthinking. tired of pretending that i got my shits together and saying that i'm doing fine when i'm actually not... the list goes on.

i'm never satisfied with my achievements. to be honest, i was never proud of my spm result. i'm not really happy with it. not because i didn't achieve my target. i did, but i was worried that i would 'fall' one day. i might be academically smart (or book smart) but that's useless. i was only good during exams but i'm a misfit out there. 

i won't be able to do things unless it is written in a book. 

"how do i communicate with people?"

"how do i ask for direction?"

"how do i fit in the world?" 

"how do i survive this life?"

i studied so hard, indulging myself with books that i forgot to take a look at the reality. i forgot that i have a purpose to the society, not just to the school. i regret not learning about the world when i was still in school. i feel so useless right now. 

that's why i lock myself in my room. i don't want any social interaction with anyone. i feel safe here. there's no one here to judge me when i'm by myself. but there's no one to give you a hug when i'm sad too.. (well at least no one judges me when i cry :p)

i might rot in my room but who knows, maybe i would finally be brave to step out to the world. i hope so :/ i'm still longing for the day where i finally feel better :)