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I want to give up. But I can’t. If I give up, that means I am weak. I don’t want people to see me as a failure. But I am tired. Tired of nothing. I just lay on my bed all day, neglecting my responsibility as a student, ignoring my assignments and cry every night. I feel exhausted mentally and emotionally. I lose my passion for the things I used to love doing. It’s hard for me to get out of my bed. Am I stressed or am I just lazy? This is the reason why I don’t want to open up. I am afraid that they will say I am just lazy. I fear their judgements. What should I do now? I have a lot of works to do. But I couldn’t care less. I have a scholarship and I need to score well in every semester. But I don’t have the urge to get up and start working. At the same time, I am worried about my future. I am afraid of what it holds. Maybe I am going to end up being a failure and a disappointment to my family. I don’t want to be disgrace; I’d feel a lot more miserable if that happens but I want to give up. I want to stop this.

People always say that quitting is not an option. Why? Can you please tell me? Why can’t I? I just don’t know if what I am doing now is what I really want in my life. I am confused and lost. Can someone please tell me how the world actually works? Can someone please explain why this world seems to be colorless and lame for me? What is it that we are looking for in this life? Are we going after the same thing? Is it money? Love? Happiness? Or are we just going with the flow because other people are doing the same? Are we running just like the time? What are we chasing after? Does anybody know what they are looking forward to in this world or there are people who also don’t know where to go just like me?

I have so many questions. I think about them every second. It’s tiring to not know the answers after thinking about it every day. I feel helpless.

Tell me, is it wrong to be sad? Is it wrong to avoid everyone? Is it wrong to leave things undone?

Am I wrong?

@10.10 pm / 15.3.2021

my 2021

hey, peeps. welcome back to my secret base lol.

so, three months in for 2021. how are you guys doing? i hope yalls are doing great :) my 2021 started off pretty good but it's starting to go downhill /weee/. 

long story short, i'm failing my classes lmao, especially physics because wtf newton? well, i can't really blame anyone because it's my responsibility to keep my own life together but still, wtf :/ i never skipped classes despite knowing that i'm losing braincells each day, i'm trying my best to catch up with the assignments. but still, i'm sliding down the hill fabulously. 

istg, this semester feels so short. final is coming in may. why are we going so fast?! where are we going to?! bro, i love the subjects i'm studying but everything is being rushed rn. i can't keep up with these shits and i'm not enjoying it anymore. 

but i can't complaint because i literally chose this path lol. it's hard but i know for sure the others have it worst. i gotta keep looking at the bright side. or maybe nah, imma close my eyes and pretend i don't exist hahaha. 

/nervous laughing/ erm, so how do i tell my family.. that i'm literally having a mental breakdown without actually telling them. i guess the best solution is not to open up. it's okay, i still have a lot of space in my bottle. 

aight, i'm starting to not make sense rn. sorry, i have a test in 15 minutes. i just want to let some shits out before letting the new one in. 

i know nobody is gonna read this, but i feel kind of relieved that at least i can let my feelings out this way. 

anyway, stay safe yalls. love you <3

lost

Mom, dad. I tried and I'm still trying.

I cried and I'm still crying. 

I fell and I got back up again.

It's an endless cycle.


Sometimes I question the purpose of my existence.

"What do I really want to achieve in this life?"

"What am I fighting for?"

"Who am I doing this for?"


Mom, dad. I don't know the answers.

I wake up everyday looking for the truth.

But I find nothing.

I keep looking for the answers.

And I lost myself.


How do I stop this?

Where is the way out of this mess?

Please, let me out..


@1.20 pm / 13.3.2021