hi. it's been a while. i forgot this blog exists. i'm still here, living and breathing as usual :/ tomorrow is the last day of mid term break. i didn't do much. got some assignments done but i still have a lot piling up.
tbh, i still feel burnt out. it's been a month. i feel better but i'm still stuck. i lack motivation to do anything these days. i lost interest in the things i used to like doing. i daydream 24/7 without me realizing. i procrastinated for the whole month and i ended up having about 10+ missing assignments? um, miss gurl this ain't you hahaha.
do you know the feeling of not caring about anything in this world? i used to be so productive, i'd always make sure i got my assignments done early but i don't really care about due dates these days. it's happening again. i've been skipping classes. i've just been less active. i sleep, eat and cry a lot lol.
at night, i'd just stare at the ceiling. it's hard for me to fall asleep bcs of my loud thoughts and i don't really do anything during the day so i'm not really tired physically :/ i'd listen to some rain/sea wave asmr to clear my mind and help me sleep. and when i need comfort, sometimes i'd listen to agust d hahaha.
"so far away" - agust d, suran. i studied the lyrics a bit (why am i not this enthusiastic for my studies lmao). the lyrics are so relatable and this song immediately bcm my fav :D it makes me think a lot about the things i've done in my life. i'm already 19, what are my achievements, passion and DREAM? well, do i have any to begin with?
this song comforts me by telling me that i am not the only one who feels lost in this life. the fact that the lyrics are literally about his own story also made me realize that even adults could feel lost. this song slapped me right in the face saying, "bich it's totally okay to feel lost at some point of your life but you can't just give up like that bro." ...kind of.
That’s right, f-, I live because I can’t die
But I don’t have anything I want to do
I’m in so much pain and loneliness but people around me
Keep telling me to regain my consciousness
I try to vent my anger but I only got myself
So what’s the point of venting my anger
I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing
this is literally what i've been feeling for the past idk how many months. when i read these, i was like "YEA, THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN AND HEART HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME." like the frustration when your heart feels something, your brain is thinking about something and that something is hella heavy, it's holding you down to the rock bottom but you can't figure out WHAT IS IT. this song worded my feelings and my thoughts really, really well. everything is just accurate.
i'm scared of tomorrow. i just don't want to open my eyes. "i don't want to live"- is my first thought every time i wake up.
I hope everything disappears when I’m alone
I hope things disappear like mirage
I hope things disappear
I hope my damn self disappears
i want to disappear, you want to disappear, everyone wants to disappear. these lyrics tell me that i never really want to die. i just want to be free from this pain, i just want to feel better. i want to disappear but i also want to be found. i don't know how to explain this.
i feel so useless, i can't help but overthink about everything. my mistakes, my past and my future. my mind won't shut up. being a useless human being is just burdening, i might as well just die. i know i don't mean it but i don't have any other choice to end this.
Dream, you will fully bloom
After all the hardships
Dream, your beginnings will seem humble
So prosperous will your future be
the best thing about this song is that it also gives you hope. you might feel lost, you've been running towards nothing but an endless route. you might feel hopeless, left without no dream, nothing to look forward to. but these feelings are the proofs that you are alive, breathing and you have a purpose in this life. you don't have to do something big to prove that you are not a failure. small things matter too, as long as it makes you happy.
you might think it's too late to find a hobby/an interest. no, that's what the society says. just go and find anything you want to try, do it. your age doesn't determine when you should stop doing things you like. you can still be a beginner at something at 30. you can still learn to ride a bike at 19. the society is manipulating you into thinking that the more you age, the more you have to be better at a lot of things. who tf started this shit? it just doesn't make sense/
this is cliche but fr, live your life to the fullest. i know i'm not doing the same but let's just try :) to whoever is reading this rn, please.. live. things might happen to me and when i'm gone please live your life on behalf of me too. go out, do things you like/you've been wanting to try doing. i know this dunya is temporary. what i want to tell you is that i don't want you to regret anything. there is the hereafter, the jannah :) we can do a lot more things there! and i hope we can meet there.
to end this, i just want to say i love you all. i'll always pray and wish the best for you. may Allah give you a peace mind, peace heart and a life full with His blessings. well this is gonna sound cringeyyy and pretty dramatic... but remember, whatever happens to me, i want you to continue living your life like usual. if you want to cry for me, cry happily. take care of yourself, your physical and mental health. all i want is for you to be happy, always <3
