bye 2020



phew, it's already the last day of 2020. a lot of things happened and i am grateful for everything. well, shits happened but at least i'm still alive. 

2020; i experienced a lot of new things. here are some highlights of my 2020 :/

in march, we ain't talking about pkp, obviously. it's about spm result <3 alhamdulillah, i thought i would fail to reach my target but i achieved more than that. not tryna be emotional here but without the help of the people around me, i wouldn't have done it. like seriously, i was so close to giving up but i received endless support from my family, teacher and tomodachi. damn it, i love them so much.

then, pkp started. literally stayed at home for months. aight, that's it. (i finished a lot of anime during pkp tho hehe)

bruh, what else happened? i don't remember that much. 

ah, one of the most stressful shit that happened was when i was forced to join IPG because my family wanted me to be a teacher so freaking bad. i cried a lot during that time. bro, making the video of the iv was very hard. and the fact that it was against my will made it even more stressful. 
(clearly, i don't want to be a primary school teacher. i have anger issues towards kids lmao)

but then, hah! how the table has turned. i was accepted to my dream university (kind of). i took diploma in agriculture which i believed to be my passion (cringy af) took me months to get all of the preparations ready. the pandemic and stuffs, this and that happened. 

then, i flew to kuching alone (lmao, it was my second flight; after 7 years. i was scared af) but i managed to step out of my comfort zone.. i guess.

of course i was excited to be a university student but that didn't last long. online class was ngeh. i gave up on the first day learning chemistry online. made some new friends, airasia cancelled my flight to the campus so i stayed home (which is my sister's) a little longer. 

damn, i was so comfortable being an introvert. i was really worried i might not be able to fit in once i start living in the campus. and of course, financial management (why does it sound like i have to pay bills and stuffs lmao)

it's just that i kinda used too much money. teehee :p i spent most of my money for food. yo girl is hungry 24/7. don't blame me, i can't help it.

(p/s: attack on titan final season makes 2020 a lil bit... greater?)

then, it was time for final exam. hooray i passed. just grateful i'm still alive after burning the midnight oil. 

and for semester break, i stayed at my sister's. yup, sumandak is sad because she couldn't go home in sabah. hahahaha /soulless laugh/ at least i got a place to stay at. just netflix and chill everyday. tipulah if i don't miss my family and friends kan :'D btw stay safe there.

second semester is starting soon, back to basic. guess who's coming back in 2021? the freaking online class. i don't want to complain that much but it kind of sucks. but i'm still grateful i got the chance to experience EDUCATION. geez, gen z should be more grateful. /uhuk/

whew, that's a long rant for such a short year (it just feels like it) i'm sure there are more things that i haven't mentioned. i can't remember lol.

well, yeah, bye 2020. not much has happened and u are such a drag. thanks, i guess.

so...
what's for 2021? 

when will this end

Everyday is a fight

With her inner self

Forcing herself to be optimistic

But deep inside

She feels sick

Tired of pretending


She forgot about herself

Putting the others above herself

"I don't really matter,"

She told herself everyday


She abandoned her feelings

By bottling them up

She just smiles

To cover it up


She wants to speak up

But she's afraid

Afraid of people ignoring her


"You have no right to say that,"

"We have it worst than you,"

"You have no idea how we feel."


She feels lonely

But being with people scares her

Where does she belongs to

She wants to run away

She wants to disappear


Afraid of dying

But living is tiring


She's suffering


When will all of this end?


 @2.23 am / 12.22.2020

2am thoughts

I hate looking at myself in the mirror

She looks awful

She looks tired

She looks unattractive

She's just..

Ugly


She's just a side character

Everyone else is Heather


She just wants to know

How it feels to love herself

She never asked to be loved by others

She just wants to appreciate herself


"Is it possible?",

She asked herself

Surrounded by the worst society,

endless judgement,

and awfully high beauty standards

She doubts it

She said to herself,

"It's impossible"


She tried everything

Just to look perfect

Then she gave up

When nothing really worked


"Maybe it's just not for me,"

She whispered 


@ 2.08 am / 12.22.2020